"no man is an island entire of himself" - John Donne

no te pasa?

no te pasa que a veces sentis que nadie entiende las cosas como vos? que nadie las siente como vos? que nadie las capta como vos? entonces repetis todo mil veces tratando de hacerle entender a los otros algo que segun ellos ya entendieron...pero no. no es igual, vos lo entendes diferente, vos te conectas en otro nivel. Cuando alguien esta mal, y vos entendes perfectamente su dolor, y le explicas a otra persona y dice "si si tal cual re entiendo...que triste pobre..." pero no! no entienden lo triste que es...vos entendes bien pero ellos no...entonces le volves a explicar...pero no. nunca va ser. nunca lo van a entender como vos. porque vos sos diferente, vos si entendes, y llegas mas alla de todo. vos podes ver a traves de todos ellos.

same old fears...

in life we go through many things, moments of happiness and celebration, and others of saddness in which the pain is so strong, that you think and even beg: "if i could just stop feeling...please..." But you wont. Though the pain gradually goes away...somehow...its over. But things in life dont happen for nothin'. Some people call them scars, i like to call them lessons. Im not going to feel bad about that particular situation anymore, but yes im gonna be scared. I guess you fear more when you know whats after you...Though i still take the risk, as much as i know how horrible it can get, im willing to live it all over again, i guess that states how bad i want it. But thats not only it, the thing is that this is what life is really all about, and if you dont take risks, you may never get what you are looking for. Some guy once said that there are two worse things that can happen to human beings, one is not finding what you are looking for, and the otherone is finding it...well clearly he was wrong, because there is no humanly possible way to find happiness without knowing whats really out there. And whats really out there will hurt you really bad, and make you happier than what you can possibly imagine.

too much?

how do u know how much is too much?
too much too soon?
too much information?
too much love?
to much to ask?
too much to risk?
too much to lose?

intriga

por que? por que tiene que ser asi? por que es que las cosas pasan sin que nos demos cuenta? Un dia si...otro dia no...hoy te quiero...ya no mas...cual sera la clave que se escopnde detras de la mentalidad humana...? por que es que hacemos lo que hacemos..? Por que sera que queremos lo que no podemos tener?
Private caller...quien sos? por que? por que a mi? por que me imagino que sos vos? quien? si...vos. Ya no tiene sentido...por que lo pensare tanto? si al fin y al cabo no tiene sentido, por donde lo mire no tiene sentido...jamas lo tendra, por que nunca fue...ni lo sera.

u've a problem w/ that?? too damn bad!

yeah. so i feel the need of expressing my feelings constantly. No, i cant keep 'em to myself, cuz i cant even keep my own secrets, it feels so damn selfish so i need to share them with the whole frikin' world. Everysingle thing that happens to me, youll know about it, everyone will know about it, either if its good or bad. If its a good thing i want to share it so that everyone can know about it (those ones dont happen to me that often, so when they do its kinda nice to know that others are proud of me...and its not like its a bad thing either) And bad things...well i just cant take my mind off of them so i need to take the shit out of my sistem and tell everyone about it, savi?
So what? you have a problem with that?? cuz if u do...im sorry but youll just have to get the hell over it, cuz thats just the way i am, and im not changing over anybody, ever!

thinking and not thinking at the same time

this is way too slow for my taste, i hate it, i cant take it any more, its killing me. Though i have to addmit, if it had been faster, and if you wouldve been all arround me 24/7 i would have hated it so much from the beggining. I guess this is just the way it is. It doesnt matter how it goes im gonna hate it anyways...I guess ill just have to wait for it to have an ending...or a beggining...

Siempre vi en las peliculas esos momentos en los que un personaje le entraga plata a otro por x razon, y este no la quiere tomar, y se la devuelve hasta que por cansancio el otro la tome. Sinceramente, jamas crei q yo podria hacer eso. Ayer estuve en una pelicula, y pude entender. Cuando alguien hace algo para ayudar a otro no acepta plata a cambio, puesto que de otra forma no seria un favor, no? La verdad es que debo admitir, estoy orgullosa de mi misma.

who loses?

A la mayoria de las personas les encanta el comienzo de una posible "relacion". Esa parte en la que realmente no sabes en donde estas parado, y a veces sentis que todo va para adelante aunque otras veces no tanto...Esos momentos que sujetas imaginariamente para que no se te escapen y pensas...this is a possitive sign...right? Los pensamientos de ambos que vuelan por todos lados creando un torbellino y cubriendo el aire con palabras y preguntas cuando en realidad lo unico que realmente pasa es que cada uno mira para lados diferentes, y solo por un fragmento de segundo cruzan miradas, el aire se agota, los pensamientos de ambos lo consumen a gran velocidad y del silencio que hay el casi puede escuchar el latir de tu corazon.
Pero yo no. Yo detesto esa parte, por que es todo mentira, esa parte dulce solo pasa en las peliculas. Aca, en la vida real, lo unico que pasa es que un momento todo aparenta estar bien y el proximo no, y asi sucesivamente hasta que te vuelvas loca. Pero yo no. Yo no me vuelvo loca, pero si pierdo. Pierdo interes, por que no creo que a nadie le interese perder su tiempo en alguien que a su vez no demuestra ningun interes, no? Entonces asi es. Desaparezco, o al menos eso intento. Ahora el que pierde sos vos.

lost

lost in you, lost in your tenderness, lost in what you gave me, lost in the memories of what never was.

always falling for the wrong one?

Its a weird feeling...on one hand this is exactly what you want, what you always look for, but once you find it....you sometimes forget the pain it used to cause you. Its so frustrating, but i guess you cant blame the heart for the choices it makes, these things just happen. It seems you just cant take it any longer, but you do. You let yourself to be played with. And you hate it, but you cant help it, cuz you melt even worse when he comes near you again. As much as you know how wrong it sounds, you think you've fallen for him, and there is nothing you can do about it, cuz you dont even know how he feels about you. It seems no matter what you do, it tears your heart in two. So sometimes you just sit there waiting for him to come whenever he feels like it, and take you to that special place, even if its only for a moment...

(Original entry saved in rough)

"the game"

Back in "the game". When you're alone for so long and you dont feel the need to reject every single oportunity, your ego rises, its like everyone wants to be with you, and there are offers everywhere you look but you never take them, you just play arround for a while, and then you leave. But the problem starts when you find an offer which matches you, so you decide to take it, and the game beggins. The flirting, the laughing, the smiling, the looks, the dancing. All of the components are there, so you start thinking ahead of time, and everything looks so great. Untill suddenly...gone. Not any more...disappared, no answer, no explanation, just gone. And youre standing there helplessly wondering what the hell went wrong??? Well my friends. thats one of the misteries of life, and let me tell you something, youll never know...
(original entry saved in rough)

"the game" - 09/04/2006

im back in the game, i wanted to be for soo long, but i had forgotten how hard it was, i only remembered the sweetnes of it, now i remember why it sucked so much. When you're alone for so long and you dont feel the need to reject every single oportunity, your ego rises, its like everyone wants to be with you, and there are offers everywhere you look but you never take them, you just play arround for a while, and then you leave. But the problem starts when you find an offer which matches you, so you decide to take it, and the game beggins. The flirting, the laughing, the smiling, the looks, the dancing. All of the components are there, so you start thinking ahead of time, and everything looks so great. Untill suddenly...gone. Not any more...disappared, no answer, no explanation, just gone. And youre standing there helplessly wondering what the hell went wrong??? i dont mean to be selfinvolved or anything, but, im nice, im cool, im cute, hot, funny, sexy,...what else do you want? Besides, its not like you can expect that much from me, cuz youre not even close to being perfect yourself...
This is so damn ridiculose, what the hell is wrong with you?? what are you?? gay??? cuz ...serioulsy...come on!

humiliation

quite an interesting subject, dont you think? Its funny. The way we, human beings, fear humiliation, and we calculate every single step we take so that nothing can be turned arround us, im not saying things always turn out to be perfect, but we unconciously make sure not to say or do anything that may leave us under the microscope or behind the bars of a zoo. Although these tactics not always work. My sister once said to me: "Cuando te pensas que no podes caer mas bajo de lo que ya caiste, BOOM! se abre una compuerta y caes en picada". We sometimes feel that there is no possible way to fall even lower than the piont in which we already are, so we do "crazy" things and we break the codes which surronud us thinking that "they are more like guidelines anyways", in order to get what we want, not realizing that we actually can fall even lower, in fact, we will. Because there is no stopping point, its like a never ending cliff.

Now, if you'll excuse me, im going for a ride down my cliff. Why? Just cuz.

...

you couldnt have been more wrong
This is frustating
i've never ever gotten so angry, i almost threw you out of the house...this is horrible, this sucks so bad
days are passing me by and i am so damn tired

...

that was wrong...that was just very wrong. You really have to have GUTS to come to my house and accuse ME of being a DRUNK, mee!! You know, for a second when you started talking to me i thougt..ok i have to admit that most of it is true, he's right, and then you turn arround and accuse ME of being a DRUNK??!! what the hell is that supposed to mean??? oh god i am soo mad, but most of all...im sad...i can not belive that you think like that of me, the worse part of it is that you couldnt have been more wrong. This is frustating...i...im just ...im out of words...i dont know what to say....or think for that matter...
what about trust? what about all of that? i've never ever gotten so angry, i almost threw u out of the house...this is horrible, this sucks so bad. You really hurt me, you have no idea what i have been going through, days are passing me by and i am so damn tired. and the best you can do is telling me im a drunk? Every single time one of these discussions comes up i feel like crap, and there is not any other way to say it, after arguing i just cry, cuz i feel so bad, i just hate being angry or knowing that someone is angry at me.
I may be making a huge deal about something that is not, but i cant blame what i felt.

Yo y mi estupida amabilidad...

Una buena educación siempre incluyo el famoso “ponerse en los zapatos de otro” pero OJO, siempre hay un limite, el cual te indica cuando traspasaste la fina línea q separa al amable del idiota. Resulta q no fui bendecida con esa parte de la historia, tampoco me considero una idiota, pero estoy pisando la fina línea. Supongo q debe de ser la razón por la cual siempre comprendo a la gente. Pero siento como que siempre que hago o digo algo, pienso en la recepción de la otra persona...como le caera? Que diria? A mi me gustaria eso? Y limito mis acciones por esa razon...el problema es q no se trata solo de eso. If i can do something to please someone, then i will do it, though maybe im not that fine with it...Hay veces q se q tngo ciertos derechos, pero me limito a exigirlos, por q no quiero ser la q rompe las bolas, la q exige, la molesta...no tengo ganas de estar en los susurros de otras personas... “uuu q hincha pelotas la puta q la pario esta pendejaa...” Entonces cierro la boca y hago lo que me pidan asi no hay quilombo y listo. No soy una persona de discusiones, me parece totalmente al pedo andar gritando...tampoco soy tan tranquila...el problema es cuando de verdad surge una discusión...y...agarrate...por q ahí sale todo lo q guardo...no esta bien, lo se...pero una vez que sos la divina, y todos los comentarios de todo el mundo siempre tienden a ser positivos, y no le caes mal a casi nadiee, hasta la gente te dice...dale...a quien le caes mal vos???? Una vez q sos esa persona, no lo queres dejar ir, el sentimiento es tan satisfactorio que nunca queres dejar de ser esa persona, hasta que te das cuenta que se te esta pasando la mano and you need to take a step back and stand up.

odio no disponer de mi tiempo!

odio pascuas! odio el quilombo de los chocolates y odio tener que ayudar las 24 hrs y en un 100% y no poder disponer de mi propio tiempoo. lo unico que quiero es un poco de tiempo como decir 2 dias, para ver a una amiga que se va 1 mes de viaje y para ver a otra q no veo desde vaya a saber uno cuando (diciembre!!) detesto cuando tengo todo un plan super armado y no puedo esperar a que sea lunes, o martes, y de preonto un dia antes viene alguien y te lo caga todoo y no tenes salida ni tampoco una solucion. simplemente tenes que aceptar por que sabes que podes quejarte hasta quedarte sin voz que no solo no vas a conseguir lo que querias sino que va a empeortar el ambiente entre vos y la persona que dispone de tu preciado tiempo.

odio no ser mi propia dueña...

confusion, no es negativo....pero tampoco se si es bueno...

es una de esas veces que salis y haces lo de siempre, nothing out of the ordinary....maybe some little changes...no big deal...pero hay un detalle...no puede ser igual que siempre por que ahora la situacion es diferente...entonces lo de siempre no estaria bien...o si?...tampoco se trata de privarse de cosas solo por que uno se imagina que por ahi....pero...por ahi que??? y si despues no??? vos te quedaste como una boluda por que detuviste todo pensando que capaz...pero no. y cagaste vos...tampoco es tan grave, ojo...pero igual....de todas formas es muy complicado hoy en dia...ya no se sabe que pensar....you know...whats right and whats wrong...
Cambiando un poco de tema pero no tanto....a mi, como a todo el mundo, me gusta saber que es lo que esta pasando en esas situaciones, pero resulta que ultimamente no es asi...y me embola soberanamente no saber que merda pasa, por que como consecuencia no se como actuar, es decir...q hacer y q decir...hay veces en las que realmente me tiro para el lado que yo quiero, el que mas me conviene...o no necesariamente...recordemos que lo que queremos no es siempre lo que nos conviene...anyways...y la otra persona...tiene dos opciones...1) adfaptarse a lo que yo elegi, y seguirme la corriente, lo que me da a suponer que esta de acuerdo conmigo. 2) pararme la mano y decir algo, lo que me deja a mi como una tremenda boluda...en todo sentido. Pero volviendo a lo primero...el punto es que no se que pasa...me mareo, realmente no entiendo...estas cosas deberian de ser mucho mas simples...el prtoblema, como menciones antes, es que hoy en dia las cosas son muy distintas, antes todo era tan simple, y la gente se comunicaba mejor...ahora todo lo que te dan es un "....ahhhhh...ehhhh..mmm..no se...que se yo...me da lo mismo...como quieras...(y depronto) muusslchuicmuaaammuulsssmch" o para peor...nadie saca el tema...y todos se hacen los boludos...como...yo estoy re seguro aca eh...sisisi todo esta perfectamente claro...cristal clear...well it looks more like carbon unclear to me!!!

una cagada tremenda...or not...??

es esa epoca en donde termino el school...y...estas re feliz...y tus amigas...y todo...la vida real...todo...y de pronto..BOOM. NO. no te chocas contra ninguna pared de la realidad...no se trata de eso...por q...siempre supe lo q habia ahi afuera...pero se trata de otra cosa...ese tema q siempre sono tan infantil...y nunca supiste como ponerlo en palabras,....pero no hay otras...las amistades..ya no se trata del famoso "por q me dijo q le dijeron q ella hizo y dijo...blabla entonces yo blablabla" por q no hay ningun "me dijo" para empezar...en otras palabras...sucede q no hay conversacionnn alguna!! hay gente con la que te llevabas mas q bien...y resulta q de un dia para el otro...sorry...not any more!!!..esw como cuando ter tomas la coca, miras para adentro y dice "segui participando"...god i hate the feeling! hahah anyways...seriously...its like..one minute you looove me and there is love and pink and hearts and little light blue clouds and unicorns floating and flying everywhere arround, and the next minute...what do you know? there's nothin'!!! everyone is sooo cought up on their own lives that they dont even stop for a single minute just to think abput that good old friend who was there for you every single time you felt like you needed support...not even a stupid e-mail! notin'!! whats that supposed to mean???? guess im the one who has to go make al the phone calls and write all the mails and check up on every one of them...except for some who do actually call...who make me think...well...maybe those are the ones who really matter...right? the ones who'll be there always...anyways...its a never ending story.........

i like you!

haha funny title hugh? yeah well its like that...the shit about thyis is that EVERYBODY reads this...kind of embarassing... so anyways...itll be smooth...veeeerrryyy smooth...as in...take it easy n' stuff, 'ts cool. i love the fact that i wont leave anything aside...i come first! yeahh!! experiences are the best way of learning...its hard...but DAMN YOU LEARN! wont make that mistake again!! ajjaja
so...this post is...whatever...but...who cares?!